


Reflection

by A_memory_box24



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: F/M, Romantic Angst, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 04:09:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8953183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_memory_box24/pseuds/A_memory_box24
Summary: Hanbin expriences his first love with a girl he meets while on holiday with the rest of iKON...but now it is time to say goodbye. This is a snippet of a broader series idea I have been thinking about writing (which will be obvious because there are a lot questions raised that go unanswered in this piece). Enjoy!





	

“Guys, here, take your boarding passes.”  
He barely looked up as their manager handed him the pass. Fighting the urge to start tearing the thin card in his hands, he slouched even further into his seat. His stomach churned with the anxiety of what felt like denying and accepting every single bitter fact of the situation simultaneously. He hadn’t anticipated it would hurt this much so soon. His chest ached like it has been crushed by something ridiculously heavy, like a falling fridge or something. He wasn’t sure how a fridge of all things would come to fall on him, but then again life was absurd. He thought he had already come to terms with the strangeness of life, what with all the challenges and disappointments he had been through and survived, let alone the surreal successes of getting to where he was and becoming who he was now. Yet it seemed that as soon as he thought he had conquered the final “level” of being alive, a new one began that was even harder and he was thrown into the game again, mid cross-fire.  
During check-in he could tell the boys were silently communicating amongst themselves, through glances, shrugs, nods and gestures. Bobby was next to him but thankfully giving him space. Chanwoo and Yunhyeong known for their airport antics were unusually subdued sitting opposite him, both glued to their phones. Donghyuk, Jinhwan and June were away getting snacks, a pretence he suspected to discuss what to do with him…great, now he felt guilty about making them worried. Also knowing they were all waiting for some kind of breakdown just made the growing ache within his chest worse. Only 7 hours ago he could have gone to her to rest his head in her lap, her fingers would run through his hair and stroke his eyebrows, he would take her other hand, smooth his thumb over her pretty shell-pink nails…  
He hadn’t wanted his mind to go there, but it was useless fighting it. When she entered his mind she simply demanded recognition, that was the way it had been since he had first laid eyes on her. The music on his ipod with the volume deliberately turned up slowly faded away so that all he could hear was the melodic tinkling of the windchimes back at the beach house. He could feel his heart start to beat just a little bit harder and faster….  
…What was she doing right now?  
Standing there on the stairs to the house, sprinkled in afternoon sunlight, her face had been paler than usual and her normally lively eyes were tired. Even from quite a few metres away he could see delicate mauve shadows beneath them. Her hair, what had it been like…well, it had been fluffy, so, so glossy as always, and swept behind her shoulders. She had been wearing the denim shorts she’d told him she’d made from an old pair of jeans and a loose t-shirt she had stolen (without a hint of shame, he had teased) from him. Her feet were bare, as always, and her toenails were light blue. She had painted them three days before after she had let him make the colour selection. He had watched her work, sprawled out next to her on her bed. He has been in a mischievous mood and had tried to make her laugh to interrupt her concentration. He’d actually been a bit jealous, not of her feet (thankfully he hadn't completely lost the plot), but he had been waiting for her undivided attention all day, he wanted to talk to her. Admittedly, after finally earning her love he had become increasingly bad at sharing it,and that seemed to come out in the silliest, most juvenile of ways. She swatted away his hands which kept creeping towards her tummy, trying to sneak in a tickle  
“Stop it!” She hissed, but then had swooped down to kiss his face, once, twice, three times, then on the lips so gently it tickled. He had combed his hand through that hair, settling silkily on his neck and chest, smelling of roses and a hint of salt from the sea.  
“Are you finished now, I want to cuddle.” He had murmured against her lips.  
“We are cuddling.”  
“Proper cuddling. None of this second-rate half-cuddling.”  
She had laughed at that and tsk-ed as if he was a naughty child. But she couldn’t stop smiling and decided to leave the painting session at just one coat. Then she was in his arms and he was happily following those quirky thoughts of hers, about anything and everything, as she said murmured them out loud in that rich, slightly sleepy afternoon voice of hers.  
…Just six hours ago I was holding her…  
With a jolt he realised they were lining up now to get on the plane. Jinhawn and the others in front of him and Bobby with their manager behind him, obviously making sure he actually got on the plane. He looked out the terminal window but the evening darkness had well and truly fallen and he couldn’t see anything except his own reflection. He suddenly found this incredibly depressing but didn’t have the energy to contemplate why. Goosebumps erupted along his forearms. He wrapped them around his chest…  
….just like she had…  
As they packed the van she had watched silently, stilly, arms folded across her chest. As they came closer to finishing, her arms tightened into a hug as if to hold herself together.  
She had said goodbye to all of the boys one by one and he was sure meaningful words and hugs had been exchanged but he had barely noticed their interactions. He had felt strangely detached from his body, and his heart had been thumping in his throat as he simply took her by the hand and walked with her to the garden.  
At first they hadn’t said anything but then at the same time they had held each other, hiding their faces in each other’s shoulders like children.  
“I don’t know what to do.” She whispered, her voice threatening to crack.  
“I know. It’s okay. Please, just don’t…don’t…” But he couldn’t finish his sentence. Don’t what? Don’t be sad? Be angry? Be lonely? How could he ask any of those things from her? She began to tremble against him and the gravity of his actions began to sink in with a deadly, cold weight. He had been selfish, he really had. He had known all along he would be gone after a month and a half and yet he had pursued her, confessed to her and asked her to love him. They had been lovers for five painfully happy, breathtakingly short weeks and now he was leaving…and she wasn’t in a position to follow. His staying had never even been considered an option. Shame and guilt choked up his throat…  
He could barely nod a polite thank you to the flight attendant as she welcomed him onto the plane.  
They had looked into each other’s eyes, rested forehead to forehead, pressed cheek to cheek, kissed gently, then passionately, and said things to each other, things about love. He couldn’t remember them word for word now….it seemed the closer the events were to finally getting in that van and leaving, the harder it was to remember them. It was as if as soon as he stepped out of that garden, and let go of her hand to get into the van, he had begun sleepwalking. He wasn’t sure that here, sitting in the window seat on the plane ready for take-off back to Seoul, he was even halfway close to waking up...  
He did remember one thing though about those last few moments in which she’s been in his sight. She stood there in the sandy driveway framed by palm trees, both hands waving slowly goodbye. But she hadn’t even tried to look cheery, in fact her face was mostly blank, her eyes vacant. Even though it hurt to see her that way he couldn’t help but adore her uncompromising honesty. God he loved that about her, the unflinching candour with which she faced things, even the terrible. Yes, it bordered on the fatalistic, and that was the very same part of her that scared him because he knew it all too well in himself. What began as stoicism easily tipped into apathy, then nothingness. He didn’t want to leave her alone with that part of herself, she had told him how it scared her too...he still didn’t know how he was going to survive feeling the way he was now but at least he had the boys, his work, his family…  
…But what about her, she had been unhappy on that island even before they arrived. She had been there to escape, but even that haven had turned into a hell…partially thanks to him..  
The thought of her suffering hurt so much he winced, clutching his heart where the breath fell short with a sharp stab. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Bobby who sitting next to him glance at him questioningly. He didn’t trust himself to speak with a sob sitting so loosely between his chest and throat. So he turned on his side, blasted the music from his ipod even louder and pulled his beanie down over his eyes. Usually he loved watching take-off from the window seat but there was no point doing that tonight. All he would see was his own reflection.


End file.
